Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life
by Lekka The Nutta
Summary: I have written (am writing) book six just in case J.K. decides to take 3 years writing her version
1. Default Chapter

I own nothing. Not even myself. *Sigh*. On with the story!  
  
Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life  
  
Book Six  
  
Chapter One  
  
Harry Potter was an unusual boy. Firstly, J.K. hasn't mentioned his voice breaking and Harry is 16. Secondly, he hates his relatives, who he should be thanking for putting up with him. Thirdly, he's a wizard.  
  
At the beginning of the holidays, Harry had been rather depressed. So, he did ALL of his homework. When he finished, he was still depressed. Why? You should know! O.K., he was depressed because J.K. killed my favourite character in the whole series, the incredibly sexy, Sirius, who just happened to be Harry's Godfather. So now my favourite character in the whole series is the evil, devious, conniving Tom Riddle, as in the 16-year- old version of Voldemort. Draco's pretty hot too.  
  
Harry's depression had ended when he followed Dudley, his incredibly fat cousin, to a party. Of course this party consisted of much under aged drinking, which usually ended up with people having hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex and waking not remembering a damn thing. The hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex had cured Harry of his depression.  
  
Maybe this story should go somewhere.  
  
Harry sat outside, enjoying the sunshine. He had been avoiding his aunt and uncle so he could enjoy the summer without chores. Harry was contemplating which party to gatecrash that night when a thought struck him: What was the meaning of life? An obvious answer came into his head; hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex. Duh. Then he remembered. The stupid prophesy. The meaning of Harry's life was to kill Voldemort and die young. At least he'd leave a beautiful corpse. *cough cough*  
  
He thought some more. If he was going to die young, he'd better have as much hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex as he could get.  
  
He thought still more. How would he kill Voldemort? He'd tried to kill Bellatrix Black, but it didn't work. When Harry needed to know something before, he'd write to Sirius. Fighting back tears, he decided to write to Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster of the school Harry attended. Harry went inside to his room and began his letter:  
  
Dear Professor Dumbledore,  
  
I was just wondering how I should kill Voldemort.  
  
Harry screwed up the piece of parchment. He didn't know how to say it without sounding really gay.  
  
He hoped Dumbledore had something planned. To tell the truth, Harry was scared shitless. Until now, hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex had distracted him from the real issues. Maybe he should write to Ron, or Hermione, but he didn't know how they could help him.  
  
If only Sirius was still alive. Harry had only just got to know his godfather and then Sirius had been killed. Just like that. Tears fell down Harry's cheeks; he couldn't hold them in. Sirius being dead was different to his parents being dead. He never knew his parents. Sirius was the closest thing Harry had had to a father.  
  
Harry pushed the painful memory of Sirius's death out of his mind, or at least, his conscious thoughts.  
  
Harry's stomach rumbled. He checked his watch. It was time to eat. He pranced down stairs to find all three Dursleys standing in front of him. Vernon's face was a brilliant shade of purple: The purple that usually meant starvation for Harry. Petunia was chewing her tongue, glaring at him. Dudley looked smug, like Draco Malfoy, who's pretty cute, when he's got Harry in to trouble. Oh shit! Dudley must have been sober enough to notice him at one of the parties and told Vernon and Petunia.  
  
No more hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex!  
  
Harry's mind raced, he searched for excuses. His head began to spin. The Dursleys, standing in front of him went suddenly blurry, even though Harry was wearing his glasses. Harry felt his legs turn to jelly. He fainted. 


	2. Chapter Two

I own nothing, Not even myself. *sigh*. On with the story!  
  
Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life  
  
Book Six  
  
Chapter Two  
  
Harry woke up feeling like he had been thrown on the floor. He probably had been. He sat up. Blood rushed around inside his head, making him dizzy. After the dizziness passed, he stood up. Hedwig screeched in her cage. Harry's stomach growled. He remembered passing out before dinner. He made a mental note not to pass out before eating.  
  
He walked towards the door and reached for the knob. He turned the handle. It was locked. He got down onto the floor and poked his head through the cat flap. The passage outside was dark and empty.  
  
He pulled his head back through the cat flap and looked over his shoulder to where Hedwig was.  
  
"It looks like we're going hungry tonight," he told her. In the dark he thought he saw Hedwig scowl.  
  
It must have been the hunger making him see things.  
  
He stood up, walked across his room and sat on his bed.  
  
An owl flew though his window.  
  
Good thing he hadn't closed it.  
  
The owl dropped a thick parchment envelope on the bed next to him and flew away.  
  
Harry opened the letter. It contained his Hogwarts book list etc.  
  
Memories of Sirius came flooding back. He tried to get Sirius out of his mind but he couldn't. Pain swelled inside him. Uncontrollable tears can streaming out of his eyes, rushing down his face in torrents.  
  
He cried himself to sleep.  
  
As writer of this story I am very pissed off because I didn't get to use 'hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex' in this chapter. 


	3. Chapter Three

I own nothing. Not even myself. *Sigh*. On with the story!  
  
Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life  
  
Book Six  
  
Chapter Three  
  
The next morning Harry awoke to find a bowl of un-heated canned soup had been pushed through the cat flap.  
  
"Yummy," he said to no one in particular, rolling his eyes. Hedwig hooted softly: obviously hungry.  
  
"If the Dursleys don't let me out," Harry thought aloud, "how will I buy my books?" He stared towards the open window. Hedwig hooted again.  
  
"I'm coming," he told her. He walked over to his owl's cage and absently pushed some of the soggy vegetables into Hedwig's food bowl. In his absentmindedness, Harry almost poured the whole bowl of soup into Hedwig's cage.  
  
The door opened, making Harry jump, causing him to spill the rest of his soup.  
  
"Good morning," grunted uncle Vernon. Harry nodded in reply. He was cranky because he now had un-heated canned soup all over him.  
  
"One of those weirdos is here," said Vernon, bitterly, "said they don't want you gallivanting off to parties and such."  
  
"Oh," responded Harry, not quite sure what to say. He paused for a few seconds, collecting his thoughts.  
  
"I have to get my school books, though," Harry said, thinking he could use that as an excuse to get some hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex.  
  
Vernon grunted in thought.  
  
"All right in there?" Tonks's head popped though the door, causing Vernon to jump.  
  
"He's not letting me get my school books," complained Harry.  
  
"We can't have that," said Tonks, disapproving.  
  
"I.I.never." stammered Vernon.  
  
"Get packin' Harry," Tonks said vibrantly, "we're goin' to Diagon Alley."  
  
"Cool," said Harry, grinning. He began to pack.  
  
"Don't forget to change your shirt," Tonks reminded him as she left the room. Vernon departed without a word.  
  
Harry came down stairs lugging a full trunk and Hedwig.  
  
"All set?" Tonks asked, with a piece of toast hanging out of her mouth.  
  
"Yeah," answered Harry, wondering how they were going to get there.  
  
"Mind if we borrow your car?" Tonks asked Vernon, smiling innocently, toast still dangling from her mouth.  
  
"I think I'll drive you," said Vernon, firmly.  
  
"OK," said Tonks.  
  
* * * *  
  
Harry and Tonks arrived at the Leaky Cauldron, to find it near deserted. In fact, the only people there were Tom, the barman and a few aurors, who Tonks seemed to know.  
  
After a few quick words with them, and then Tom, Tonks arranged some rooms for her and Harry and they left the pub and entered Diagon Alley.  
  
"Where is everyone?" asked Harry.  
  
"At home, where it's safer," replied Tonks.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why do you think?"  
  
Harry thought for a while. A long lost thought re-entered his head.  
  
"Voldemort."  
  
Tonks just nodded.  
  
They walked down the alley towards Gringots. All we need now is some tumble weed, thought Harry.  
  
After he withdrew some money, a small shop across the alley caught his eye. 


	4. Chapter Four

I own nothing, Not even myself. sigh. On with the story!  
  
Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life  
  
Book Six  
  
Chapter Four  
  
The 'Weasley's Wizard Wheez' stood in a far corner of the alley. Harry looked up at Tonks, trying to catch her eye. When that didn't work, he spoke.  
  
"Hey, Tonks,"  
  
"What?" she enquired. Baby-sitting Harry was one of her least favourite things to do. Especially when she could be having hot, wild, possibly protected, jungle-sex with...  
  
"Can we go in there?" asked Harry, pointing at the shop.  
  
"O.K." she said, curious to know what Fred and George had done with their shop.  
  
As Harry and Tonks walked through the door a bell rung.  
  
"Heeeeeeeeeeeellooooooooooooo," said Fred, appearing from nowhere. He puffed at a rather odd looking pipe. Tonks eyed it with suspicion. It disappeared into Fred's pocket.  
  
"Can I help you?" came Geoge's voice from behind them.  
  
"We're just browsing, thanks" said Tonks.  
  
Fred and George pulled Harry out of Tonks's view behind one of the numerous shelves filled with ...uh...stuff.  
  
"Thanks for the gold Harry," said George.  
  
"Yeah," agreed Fred.  
  
"Pity no one comes," sighed George.  
  
"Yeah," nodded Fred.  
  
"We put an ad in the daily prophet," said George, brightening.  
  
"Yeah," said Fred, still nodding.  
  
"And we get heaps of mail orders." George continued, not giving Fred enough time to say 'yeah'. "So we're doing pretty well." Fred looked at Harry for some time before deciding not to say 'yeah' again, and by that time, Harry and Tonks had left.  
  
"Did you know Fred was a pot head?" Tonks asked Harry as they walked into Flourish and Blots.  
  
"Nope," answered Harry, turning towards the clerk, who skimmed his eyes down the list Harry had placed on the counter and moved off to get the books.  
  
"I wonder where he gets it?" Tonks thought aloud.  
  
Harry shrugged and paid for the pile of books now stacked in front of him.  
  
"How are your robes?" Tonks asked as they left the shop.  
  
"Fine," replied Harry.  
  
"And your potions ingredients?"  
  
"Fine."  
  
"Is there anything else?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"Good."  
  
Harry stayed at the Leaky Cauldron until September 30th. He noticed there were always aurors around and that all of his mail had been opened and resealed before he got to read it. Nosy aurors. The bad thing was, Harry didn't get anymore hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex for the rest of the summer. 


	5. Chapter Five

I own nothing, Not even myself. sigh. No offence to J. K. Rowling in this chapter. On with the story!  
  
Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life  
  
Book Six  
  
Chapter Five  
  
Harry some how found himself on board the Hogwarts Express in a compartment with Ron, his best buddy, Hermione, the nerdy friend and to Harry's secret joy, Ginny.  
  
"So, Harry," began Hermione, un-naturally politely, "how have your holidays been?"  
  
"They were great," replied Harry, "until Tonks came and made me stay in Diagon Alley with stupid nosy aurors everywhere." He sighed. "How were yours?"  
  
"Well," Hermione answered, "mine began when..."  
  
Harry stopped listening. He was bored already...  
  
"...hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex"  
  
"What!?!" Harry tuned in again.  
  
"I said 'I was staying with Viktor, when I walked in on him having hot, wild, unprotected, jungle-sex with a random fan girl'." Hermione sounded angry.  
  
"That's some goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooood shit!"  
  
Everyone looked at Ron.  
  
"What?" he said, with an odd pipe sticking out of his mouth. It looked similar to the one Fred had.  
  
"Hmm," hmmed Harry, breaking the silence, "what happened then Hermione?"  
  
"Logically I dumped him-" responded Hermione but she was cut tragically short when...  
  
"-Leaving you available to join me," came Draco's familiar drawling voice. Draco stepped into the compartment -without Crabbe and Goyle- with a whole bunch of under-dressed girls.  
  
"Have you gone pi-mp?" asked Harry, his voice breaking on the word 'pimp'.  
  
"Yes Potter," replied Draco, trying desperately not to laugh.  
  
"It's not funny," cried Ginny, in Harry's defence.  
  
"Aw," said Draco, "Potter has to get his 'girlfriend' to stand up for him."  
  
"Shut up," spat Ginny, "I haven't read about your voice breaking either."  
  
Draco went red and left, with his girls, muttering rude comments about J. K. Rowling.  
  
Luna Lovegood entered with Neville. Everyone groaned, except Ron.  
  
"Ron," said Luna, conspicuously, "how much do you want?"  
  
"She's your supplier!" yelled Neville.  
  
"Yeah," said Ron.  
  
"I get mine off Malfoy."  
  
Everyone gasped.  
  
"He's a pimp and a drug dealer?" asked Ron.  
  
"Yeah," answered Neville.  
  
"Luna," said Ron, "rack off."  
  
Luna stormed out of the compartment.  
  
The train stopped.  
  
"We're there," commented Hermione.  
  
"Well, it's here, now," corrected Harry.  
  
Hermione stuck her tongue out at him. 


	6. Chapter Six

I own nothing, Not even myself. sigh. On with the story!  
  
Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life  
  
Book Six  
  
Chapter Six  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville and Ginny all shoved into a carriage that was drawn by those funky horses and went on up to Hogwarts.  
  
"I wonder who'll be teaching defence against the dark arts?" said Hermione.  
  
"As long as it's not Umbridge, I don't give a flying fuck," said Ron.  
  
There followed an awkward and uncomfortable silence in which everyone shifted in their seats.  
  
They were thankful to get out and go to the great hall so they didn't have to sit in silence anymore.  
  
After the whole school sat down, Dumbledore stood up and tapped his wand against a cup. Most people stopped talking. Dumbly cleared his throat.  
  
"Now, as you know Lord Voldemort (most people gasped at this) is at large. There is no reason to be afraid, but I've cancelled Hogsmeade trips just to be on the safe side. (everyone made pissed off noises after this was said.) The Minister for magic has decided to post some aurors around the school and you should just treat them as if they are not there because if you annoy them in any way they could very easily BLOW YOUR SORRY BRAINS OUT!!! (several people jumped when Dumbly yelled.) As you know the Forbidden Forrest is forbidden, hence the name. Professors Hagrid and Trelawny have been reinstated as teachers and I ask you to please give a warm welcome to our new defence against the dark arts teacher all the way from Australia, Professor Sheila Jones."  
  
The hall burst into a polite applause as Professor Jones stood up. Anything Harry had learnt about Australians was from watching Neighbours. As the new teacher sat down, Harry grinned to himself evilly. Australian birds were always good looking and easy.  
  
"Now," said Dumbledore as the applause died down, "I regret to inform you that several wizarding families have experience losses as a result of Lord Voldemort's rampaging." He cleared his throat and waited for a few people to stop crying and blow their noses. Most of the people crying hadn't actually lost any family members: they were just drama queens. "On a more cheerful note, I'd like to hand over to Professor McGonagal for the sorting."  
  
Harry blanked out during the sorting. When it was over he sat up and grabbed his knife and fork, ready to eat, but to his disappointment, Dumbly said:  
  
"Could the school please stand to sing the school song."  
  
After eating McGonagal called Harry over 'for a little chat.'  
  
"As you know, Harry," she began, "there is a lot riding on you at the moment."  
  
Harry stifled a laugh as he misinterpreted his teacher  
  
"The headmaster (more stifled laughter) wants you to be prepared for what comes, so he's arranging for you to be tutored in the dark arts by Professor Jones."  
  
Score, thought Harry as he trudged back up to the Griffindor dorm. There was a build up of people as Hermione pushed her way to the front.  
  
"I'm a prefect, excuse me, and I know the password." She said shoving her way to the fat lady.  
  
"Helianthus Annuus," she recited and the fat lady swung open. The first years made excited oohs and aahs as they entered and were directed to their dorms by Ron and Hermione and Harry made his way to his own four poster bed, sat down and farted loudly.  
  
"Nice one," complimented Dean.  
  
"Excellent," remarked Neville, applauding.  
  
"Good," said Seamus, "but I'd like you to get a load of this." Seamus farted as on;y he could and soon everyone was gasping for air with their head sticking out the window.  
  
"What died in here?" asked Ron, waving his hand in front of his nose. "By the way, Harry, as captain of the Quidditch team, what are you going to do about players?" 


	7. Chapter Seven

I own nothing, Not even myself. sigh. On with the story!  
  
Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life  
  
Book Six  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
The next morning at breakfast, Harry asked Dumbledore if he could announce that there would be Quidditch tryouts on Saturday afternoon for the Griffindor team. Dumbly agreed.  
  
After brekky, the timetables were handed out and it was found that the first class they had was potions, with the Slytherins.  
  
On the way to potions Ron pointed to a retreating shadow.  
  
"I swear," he said, "that was Remus."  
  
"Ron," said Hermione, "it's probably just a hallucination from all the weed you've been smoking."  
  
Harry said nothing because he had seen it too.  
  
As our heroes approached the potions dungeon, they ran into their least favourite person, Draco Malfoy. He looked suspiciously like 50-cent in the P.I.M.P. video clip and was surrounded by insufficiently robed women. Harry noticed that Cho was among them and shuddered.  
  
"Miss Granger," said Draco, oozing with sleaziness, "care to join us?" Hermione looked disgusted and stalked into class. Draco dismissed his posse and walked over to Harry and Ron who eyed him with caution. As Draco seemed friendly enough, Ron spoke:  
  
"I can see why you ditched Crabbe and Goyle."  
  
"Yeah," said Draco nodding. "Look, Potter, Weasley, I know we've had misunderstandings in the past, but now I've grown up and have my business to look after. And besides, Potter, you'll have enough on your plate without me being intentionally nasty." Draco sounded genuinely willing to let bygones be bygones and come to an agreement. He really just wanted Harry and Ron as costomers, but they didn't have to know...  
  
"Sure," said Harry and Ron in unison. Then, the strangest thing happened; Harry, Ron and Draco walked into class together like old friends.  
  
Potions passed without any dramas for once. Little did our heroes know that this was partly due to Draco telling Snape not to ruin Harry's and Ron's trust and that Neville was a loyal customer of his. It was also partly because Snape had a serious-big-mega crush on the defence against the dark arts teacher and wanted to have hot, wild, unprotected jungle-sex with her, but would sooner die than admit it.  
  
Potions, for once, was actually a bearable subject.  
  
Wow, thought Harry to himself, everyone is being nice to me because I'm going to die. (this wasn't true, but Harry was too dumb to realise.) I think of it as my duty to take full advantage of them, he added to himself, thinking of Cho. 


	8. Chapter Eight

I'm going to think up a new disclaimer! I own a folder with all my ideas for fics in it and that's all... I'm going to write some more of the story now!

Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life

Chapter Eight

Harry, Ron and Hermione were all walking back from Quidditch tryouts when Ron started yelling out that he saw Remus disappearing into the Forbidden Forrest.

"Ron," said Hermione, "your just having hallucinations again."

"No," protested Ron, "I haven't touched the stuff since I saw him the first time."

"I saw Remus too," said Harry.

"See," said Ron, smugly.

"Humph," said Hermione.

"Ninny hammer," muttered Harry under his breath.

There was an uncomfortable silence in which no one knew what to say.

"Urm... It's a good thing we've got a quidditch team again," said Hermione

"Yeah," agreed Ron. "Harry, as seeker, of course; me, keeper; Ginny, chaser-"

"James Boag, chaser; Jack Daniels, chaser; Jim Beam, beater; and Sam Buca, also a beater." Finished Harry.

"I wonder why Remus keeps popping up randomly," Hermione pondered aloud.

"I dunno..." said Ron

"It could be-"Harry started but never finished because he walked straight into Tonks.

"Hi Harry," she said brightly.

"Hi," said Harry. "What are you doing here?"

"Keeping the school safe from nasty, evil, smelly death eaters," she answered. "You?"

"Learning," said Harry. "Apparently." Hermione gave him a sharp look.

"Oh well," said Tonks, "have a nice day." She walked towards the forest.

The next Monday, Harry was innocently walking through the corridors (wagging) when he heard raised voices. He didn't mean to over hear, it was just that he happened to not be in potions as he walked past the staff room. Hoping to find something out about Remus, he listened in.

"Minerva," said Dumbledore, sharply "I really don't think it's necessary."

"Well, Albus," protested McGonagal, irritated, "I think we should encourage the students to protect themselves."

"But how would it work?"

"We could have dispensers around the school- like vending machines, or like the ones in public toilets."

"Honestly, Minerva," sighed Dumbly, "they shouldn't have these things forced on to them like this."

"Albus," reasoned McGonagal, "I don't want anything to happen to the students, they could risk serious disease."

"We have a satisfactory hospital wing to deal with things like that. And what you're suggesting is a very muggle-ish idea."

Harry couldn't stand it anymore. He felt so guilty.

"OK! He yelled, bursting through the door. "I'll use contraception!"

"Urm, Harry," said Dumbly looking down on Harry, adjusting his glasses. "We were talking about sunscreen."

Harry went bright red. Then purple. Then blue. Then back to red. He turned to leave, wishing that the floor would swallow him up.

"But about you using contraception," said Dumbly, putting his hand on Harry's trembling shoulder.

"I, uh, have to go to class..." said Harry beginning a pathetic excuse.

"I don't think Professor Snape will mind you missing a few more minutes of class." Said Dumbly closing the door.

Harry collapsed into a chair and listened to his really old, wrinkly head master talk to him about sex. Harry was scarred for life. It wasn't a visible scar like the one Voldemort gave him, but whenever Harry thought about sex, from that moment on, he couldn't help thinking about his headmaster as well.

Hermione sat on a pouffe, doing her potions homework when Ron pounced in.

"When you pounce like that you remind me of Percy," she said.

"Is it turning you on?" asked Ron, sarcastically.

"Oh yeah," came her equally sarcastic reply. "Did you find Harry?"

"No," said Ron.

"I wonder where he is."

"Probably having hot, wild, unprotected jungle-sex,"

"There's an idea."

"I'm not going out looking for him again if that's what he's doing."

"That's not what I mean."

"Then what do you mean?"

"Hot, wild, unprotected jungle-sex."

"Huh?"

"You know you want to, Ronald Weasley."

"Huh?"

Hermione licked her lips suggestively. Ron took the hint.

"So that's what you mea-"Ron never got to finish that sentence, and I'm pretty sure you can guess why. No, he didn't die from an epileptic seizure, you idiot. He had hot, wild, unprotected jungle-sex with Hermione.

After that, Harry entered, looking like he'd seen a ghost.

Ron and Hermione looked slightly guilty, but Harry was too stupid to figure out why.


	9. Chapter Nine

I own very little. The characters mentioned in this story are not my possessions.

Harry Potter and the Meaning of Life

Book Six

Chapter Nine

(Wow I've written 9 chapters!!! I bet JK has only written eight and a half)

"Like, omygawd! I'm so nervous!" said Harry to Ron the next morning

"Me too," said Ron. "The Slytherins are always tough."

"I'd rather we had an easier opponent for our first game," said Harry.

"I recon it's better to get the hardest one out of the way first," replied Ron.

At the Griffindor table the team sat having breakfast. Harry took the role.

"Jim Beam, James Boag, Sam Buca, Jack Daniels, Harry Potter, oh, that's me! Ginny Weasley and Ron. Ok, we're all here. Has everyone had enough to eat?"

"Yes," came the team's response.

"Alright, let's go," said Harry, over zealously.

The team trudged down to the Quidditch pitch.

"Omygawd!" exclaimed Ron, "It's Remus again!"

"Omygawd, you're right," exclaimed the others.

"I wonder why he's been hanging around here so often," wondered Harry aloud.

"Maybe he's having an affair with Tonks," suggested Jack.

"Uh, no," Jack was shot down by Sam. "Who'd have an affair with him?"

"Tonks?!?" exclaimed Harry, "but she's such a prude!"

"That's exactly why it's not true," said Sam. "You see Jack, if Harry says it's not true, it's not true."

They arrived at their changing room. There was something up with it.

"If the change room's rockin' then don't come knockin'" said Ron.

"Yuck!" exclaimed the team. Harry opened the door

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! OMYGAWD!!!!!!!! CHILD ABUSE!!!!!! NASSSSSSTY!!!!!!! FUCK OFF!!!!! EEEEEEEWWW!!!!!" came the team's responses. Harry just stood there with his mouth hanging open.

"I told you not to open the door," said Ron.

"You said not to knock," said Ginny.

"Same shit different bucket," said Ron, shrugging.

"I told you Remus was having an affair with Tonks, but you didn't listen," said Jack.

Yes, the Griffindor Quidditch team had walked in on Tonks and Remus bonking in their change room. Ewwie! Tonks and Remus, by this time, had dressed and were in the processes of sneaking away when Harry stopped them.

"You disgust me," he yelled.

They ran.

The two teams stood on the pitch, greasing each other off. No matter how nice they were to each other off the pitch, Draco was too passionate about Quidditch to let them win.

Madam Hooch walked into the centre of the ground, the box of balls tucked under her arm and the whistle in her mouth.

The players braced themselves.

Hooch put the box down.

Someone cracked their knuckles.

Hooch opened the lid.

Someone else cracked their knuckles.

Hooch cracked her knuckles.

The crowed sat on the edge of their seats, quivering with anticipation.

Someone sneezed.

Hooch released the snitch and the bludgers.

She grabbed the quaffle, threw it into the air and blew her whistle.

The game had begun.

"Griffindor claims possession of the quaffle and it's Boag, Daniels, Weasley and back to Boag again. Daniels has it now, he's going to, he's gonna do it, HE SCORES!!!" As Lee Jordan was no longer available for commentary, Seamus had taken over. This suited him fine, because he never shut up. "Slytherin in possession now, ouch! Griffindor have the quaffle again thanks to a vicious move from Weasley!"

Harry zoned out and focussed all his energy on finding the snitch.

Draco gracefully drifted next to him. Harry turned away.

"Find me the snitch, Potter, and you can have any one you want," came Draco's drawling voice.

"Anyone?" said Harry, thinking of Cho.

"Anyone."

Harry looked around. He saw it. He tuned back into the commentary.

"And Griffindor lead, by two hundred and ten points!"

"It's just there," said Harry pointing.

Draco dived and Harry followed.

"Malfoy is in pursuit of the snitch, with Potter close behind, it's going to be a tight one, but it's... Malfoy. Damn!!! Wait, it doesn't matter, Griffindor win by sixty points!!!!!"


End file.
